So it is spring in Georgia...that means one thing for sure POLLEN! The faint yellowish-green lines are beginning to show on the roads. When it rains, the pollen takes a nice leisurely ride to the low places the water collects. There, days later is a big yellow patch. Simply saying "Hello! I'm pollenating here!" All of the fingerprints on the van windows are turning yellow...as if the CSI team had been here dusting to find a killer. Along with our nice covering of yellow, there is life blooming all around. The dogwoods are all in full bloom. Our neighborhood is dotted with popcorn-like trees against the latest backdrop of grey. It has rained here nearly everyday for weeks. This is a plus being as they say we are officially out of the "worst drought in 100yrs". I love driving through our 'hood and seeing the pillows of cascading purple phlox, daffodils knee-high, cherry blossoms and tulips all making a grand entrance. I hope to soon have the energy to walk down to the stables at the end of our street and see what spring has brought to the farm. I like that spring comes early here. It seems to come just in the nick of time. Just when I think I can stand winter no more...daffodils! Funny, spring used to mean shopping for the season's new wardrobe and shoes, now it means enjoying the life around me.
Even with all this, I find myself a bit melancholy these days. I'd like to just blame it on the grey skies, but I know better. I find my heart downtrodden within me. What is it about getting well into your thirties that makes life bitch-slap you? All of the sudden things begin to happen in the lives of people around you and even in your own life. Things you can't stop, or change. Things that hurt. Things that change people. Confusing things. Life all of the sudden sheds the facade of a fairytale, and reality shows up like a playground bully. I can't help but see it all and wonder how it will affect me? How will it continue to affect them? Will I still have these friendships in 5 yrs, or will reality do away with that too? I see and feel the pain of these around me and I find that for once in my life, it seems I have no words for it. I find that all I seem to be able to do is cry and pray. The first I suppose is only helpful to me. The second is far more helpful to any situation than crying. It's the age old scenario...I can't see God doing anything, yet he has to be, even if it's only in me. I find myself feeling hopeless for the situations of people I love and think "This is not helpful!"
I found myself last night scouring scripture for hope...I came across this " Why are you cast down, O my soul and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." (Ps 42:5)
Seems like maybe someone knows how I feel. I found myself in the face of a choice; I could continue focusing on these things that only make me sad and hopeless OR I could change my view to God and what he has done and is doing in spite of what my human eyes might see. I found I had to choose to, even try to, think of things to praise God for. Things he has done, promises he has made and kept, his power and miracles he has done and situations he has changed. It's not easy when you heart's eyes want to keep looking down where they have been.
When my husband was in college he knew these two guys, brothers. They were the biggest partiers ever. They did every drug and drank every drink there was to be drank. One night both brothers were at separate parties stoned out of their minds. Both of them ended up sick praying to the potty god. Both of them saw clearly a vision of Jesus. He declared his love for them and told them to stop all the drugs and drinking because he had things for them to do. Instantly, both were sober and clear minded. Their partying stopped that night and both have followed Jesus since. I was reminded of these two and thought "if Jesus can visit them, and stop them in their tracks Paul-style...he can do that and more for those around me." God loves those around me...all the hurting people around me are the zealous fire in God's hearts. He is passionate about them. Passionate about seeing them come to him, seeing their lives and hearts change and seeing his glory manifest itsself in their lives. His tears for them stoke a fire of passion that led him to a cross. His tears come from true pain. And should things continue as they are, I know that he is there for me. That he understands hurt and loss and pain. I know that he can bring me peace in the midst of someone else's storm.
My view needed a bit of refocusing. It still hurts, and it still sucks. There are two sides to the coin of life and one of them will always be crappy. But, I find that no longer do I feel hopeless. Regardless of what may take place in the day and the life of someone else, or myself, I can still look to God.
Ramblings and renderings from a not so ordinary mom in a what feels like an oh-so-ordinary world.
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